


Begin

by beaglesinbowties (Girlblunder)



Series: Collide [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Drama, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girlblunder/pseuds/beaglesinbowties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara and Alex find that after their ordeal all they can do is try and rebuild themselves one piece at a time - without each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Begin

* * *

"Again," Hank says.

For a moment his eyes glint red and Kara hesitates. She takes a deep breath and works on loosening up - she still tenses at the vibrant color sometimes, but she's doing better.

Hank is waiting before her patiently, comfortable in a confident fighting stance with his hands raised protectively and his feet spread evenly.

When she sweeps forward with a wide swing of her arm, he's ready. He blocks the move and counterattacks with a jab that she dodges. For a moment she's jarred by the unfamiliar black of the signature DEO look covering her own body, but she presses on.

The next few moments pass quickly as they engage in the sparring match, and Kara almost smiles when she catches Hank by surprise with a low kick to his knee.

His eyes flash crimson, and Kara falters for a moment. It's enough for Hank to sweep her legs out from under her.

Kara growls at herself and slaps the padded mats with her hands, staring at the irregular shape of the training room ceiling.

"Why can't I do this?" she grumbles to herself, not expecting an answer.

"You went through a very traumatic experience," Hank says in a calm voice as he reaches out a hand to her.

She accepts the hand, the large warm grip a comfort even with its coarseness.

"It's not unreasonable that you're still struggling with how you conditioned yourself to survive." Hank drops her hand once she's upright and settles his hands on his hips.

His eyes are dark and steady. Kara knows he's had infinite patience with her, and his only frustration lies in how hard she is on herself.

"Yeah? Well I'm tired of it. I just-I just want things to be different. I want to be different. I want to be able to go out and do things like a normal person without worrying that something _horrible_ is going to happen. I…" Kara has to stop speaking because her mouth is dry and her eyes are stinging.

 _I want Alex back_.

She's glad Hank can't read her mind, though she's certain he knows her well enough to understand exactly what it is she wants most. He's been privy to many of her little outbursts, after all.

Training hasn't been easy, and she's broken down a few times while throwing punches. If anyone but Hank had been training with her the first time she'd stepped out on the mat, she's not certain they would have survived.

There had been a lot of pent up rage - it's not all gone, she knows - and she'd finally understood his insistence to be the one to train with her over the last several weeks.

Alex's role as her sparring partner is no more, and has been since the night Kara left her apartment.

"You'll get there," Hank says carefully, breaking her from her thoughts.

Speaking is a dangerous option with so many emotions close to surfacing, so she nods and raises her fists.

Hank smiles at her proudly, and some of Kara's confidence returns.

She's not better, but she _is_ doing better. She won't stop trying until she's back to at least some semblance of her prior self. The city still needs her.

Another thought overrides the last and she doesn't try to fight it: maybe when she's better she and Alex can find a way back into each other's lives - in whatever role.

There's more strength in her next punch and Hank barely manages to deflect it.

Kara offers him a bright smile.

* * *

The bar is dark when Vasquez steps in, and though she's expecting it, she still has to blink to let her eyes adjust. Normally she wouldn't be here this early, but she's craving the fried pickles only Tony seems to know how to do _just right_.

"Tony," she says as she walks up to the bar.

The tall slender man smiles at her and puts down his clipboard. "V, glad you're here. You here to pick up Alex?"

All thoughts of fried pickles are gone as Vasquez frowns. "Alex? She's here?"

Tony purses his lips and nods in the direction of a corner booth.

Vasquez can see a figure dressed in dark clothes slumped over and resting their head on the table. The person's face is turned away, but the haircut and coloring is one that Vasquez knows well.

"Thanks, Tony." The words have barely left her mouth before she's walking over to Alex. As she draws closer she can see the table is littered with napkins and half-eaten pretzels. There's a mostly empty bottle of Johnnie Walker and a completely empty glass held loosely in both of Alex's hands.

For a moment she just stands, not knowing exactly what to do. She and Alex are buddies, but talking about things that bother them is usually limited to vague exchanges and lots of sparring. They've hit this bar together a few times, though it's certainly been a while.

She knows Alex has been struggling for the last month or so - it's plain for everyone at the DEO that Alex and Kara have been mostly avoiding each other - but she had no idea how much.

Vasquez had thought maybe Alex needed a little space. It's clear now that Alex has had _enough_ space, and something else is in order. She braces herself before approaching Alex; a black eye or broken bone is not something she wants.

"Alex," she says cautiously, "are you okay?"

Alex stirs, and her eyes are bleary as she turns to try and focus on the source of the voice. "V," she manages after a moment, "what're you doin' here?"

"I'm here to take you home." Vasquez isn't annoyed; it wasn't so long ago that Alex did the same for her. The moment feels like a full circle of the night they'd initially elevated their status from coworkers to friends.

She's glad to be here to help Alex the way she'd been helped. That breakup had been particularly nasty.

She pauses in leaning over to pull Alex carefully from the bench seat. Maybe that's what's happened with Alex and Kara, or something like it.

There's been whispers of how close the two had been upon their return from captivity, and the whispers had only begun to die down when they'd started avoiding each other as much as possible while at the DEO facility.

Vasquez doesn't need the whole story, that's not really their thing. She tugs Alex's arm up and around her shoulders, though the movement is clumsy with Alex swaying.

They shuffle and stumble toward the exit, with Vasquez pausing in front of the bar.

"Do I need to settle her tab?"

Tony's head shakes. "Nah, she paid for the bottle up front. Didn't think she'd actually drink that much of it, but I couldn't just kick her out on the street."

Vasquez offers him a nod and nudges at a dozing Alex. "Come on, it's a long way to your apartment and you're not as light as you look."

"V, you gettin' fressssh with me?" Alex's slur makes it difficult for Vasquez to understand at first, but she can only chuckle.

"You wish, Danvers."

Alex is settled into the passenger side of the car ten minutes later, and Vasquez makes sure she's secure before shutting the door. She hesitates before pulling her cellphone out, but there's only one person she knows that can really help Alex.

"Director Henshaw," she greets respectfully once the call is picked up. Alex might try and kill her tomorrow, but it wouldn't be the first time.

" _Agent Vasquez, I thought you were out on dinner break._ "

"There's something I need to discuss with you, sir."

* * *

Kara takes a deep breath as she opens her closet. She's still trying to adjust to having all the space back, and despite her efforts it still looks emptier than she's acclimated to. She considers how funny it is all the small things people grow accustomed to without conscious thought.

Though she feels more balanced without having to pretend for James, and it's been over a month since he'd moved out, she still expects to trip over his shoes first thing in the morning.

She shakes the thought from her head and lets herself float up so she can reach the topmost shelf.

The white box is the same one she's stared at and taken out many times, though she's only removed the garments it contains once or twice since her return from captivity. She fidgets with the lid before removing it.

Her fingertips are drawn to the symbol for the house of El, and the material feels oddly coarse to her. The suit is new; a gift from Winn when she'd revealed that their captors had taken her first one away. The hope in his eyes had sparked her own, though fear had churned in her gut in equal measure. He always sees Supergirl, but that role has been difficult for Kara since her return.

The blue is pushed away to reveal the red underneath. Her cape made the return trip back home. Vaguely she remembers the feel of it wedged between her body and J'onn's as he'd carried her and Alex to safety.

She finds it funny how far Clark's blanket has traveled - and all the things it's been through. The durable fabric has lasted through explosions, crashes, and travels to distant worlds. It doesn't seem physically changed. She knows that on some worlds there are people that can read the memory of inanimate objects, and she wonders if anyone could endure the telling of its story without being changed.

She knows she's changed.

Flickers of her joy and hope are returning, and for that she's grateful. The kernel of darkness in her that had been created when she lost Krypton has grown. She can feel it; sometimes it still threatens to spread and grow and suffocate her with its abject despair. It's harder now that Alex barely speaks to her, but she's learning.

It takes her a few minutes to don her Supergirl suit. She can and has dressed much faster, but there's something almost ceremonial in the time she takes to settle it around her body. The cape is last, and her hand shakes as she adjusts it until it's secure.

The reflection in the mirror seems as unchanged as the cape. She's aware that reality differs from perception, but the image still gives her confidence a boost.

A quick check of the immediate area shows that no one is around to watch her slip away, and then she's flying. National City is suffering through an ominous grey day, and she pushes herself higher and higher as she tries to escape its cloying grip.

When she breaks through the thick cloud cover that's smothering the city and is hit by the warm bright rays of the sun, a peace settles over her that she doesn't realize she's missed until her eyes are closed and she's smiling.

She thinks of Alex then, and though their future has seemed questionable at best, Kara knows that this is only temporary. Alex needs to find her own peace.

Kara hopes that peace comes soon; not for their future together, but for Alex's sanity. Alex's well being will always be the most important thing to Kara. Anything else can wait.

* * *

Alex groans and shifts, her hands rising automatically to clutch at her head. There's a riot of thumping pain, but she smiles. At least it keeps her from thinking about things she'd rather avoid altogether.

The smile drops when her stomach lurches, and her eyes spring open as she tries to force the nauseated feeling away.

The room is dark and cool and surprisingly soothing. She recognizes the familiar shadows of the DEO infirmary almost instantly; she _had_ spent two weeks cooped up in here with Kara.

A wry smile twists her lips and her eyes sting, so she closes them. She presses the palm of her hand forcefully against her forehead and wonders why she has such a horrible time trying to forget everything.

"You know, the staff psychologist cleared you for field duty the other day."

Hank's voice is jarring in the quiet, and Alex jerks to the side. She half expects the red glow of his eyes, but the darkness remains undisturbed.

"I held off on signing the release form. You know why, Alex?"

He seems undisturbed, and now that Alex squints she can make out the faint outline of him standing off in a corner. She can see the vague indication that his arms are crossed, and she imagines his face chiseled in disappointment.

"Because I know you. I know what you look like when you're handling things, and I know what you look like when you're avoiding things. Kara's been handling things, you've been avoiding things."

Alex clenches her jaw and wishes the lights were on so he could see the heated glare she's sending his way. Anger makes her head throb worse, but she ignores the discomfort.

"Yeah, well, not everyone can cheat by reading minds." The words are nearly spit out in her fury, her distaste abundantly apparent.

Now the red does glow, but Alex doesn't cower or flinch. She scowls.

"I've only read your mind without your permission on _two_ occasions. Once when I interviewed you for the DEO, and once when I found you-"

His voice wavers and halts abruptly, and Alex has to swallow hard against the thickness that's suddenly in her throat. Sometimes she forgets that J'onn has lost so much - terrified green faces flash in her mind from a memory that isn't her own - and has endured more than she'll probably ever know. She acknowledges his pain with a tilt of her head, though she's not certain he can see it.

The red is suddenly gone and Alex inhales a sharp breath through her nose. "You read my mind during the interview?" she asks in an effort to avoid the subject she knows J'onn really wants to discuss.

There's amusement in Hank's voice the next time he speaks, and Alex isn't sure if it's the subject or the subject change, but it makes one side of her mouth curl up.

"Of course. I promised Jeremiah I'd watch out for you, but for all that I knew you were nothing like him." He pauses for a moment. "I guess I shouldn't have been surprised to find that you carry all the best parts of him."

Though Alex had thought this subject safe, there's a shock of pain rippling through her chest. Her hand grasps at the sensation absently as she tries to avoid crying.

"Maybe once," she says. Her voice is breathy and fragile, and she curses internally.

The room is quiet.

"Alex, I thought at _best_ maybe you'd be half as open-minded as your father was. Your only thoughts that day were about how you could protect Kara - not just from the sorts of villains Superman faces, but from the DEO itself if the time came. I still remember the passing thought you had wondering how many aliens there could be out here on Earth like Kara was when she first came - lost, alone, afraid."

Alex focuses on the solid sounds of his footsteps as Hank comes closer. She knows he can move without making a sound, and so she's not surprised when the warm weight of his hand is resting on her arm.

"Alex, you're always telling Kara that she needs to learn when to accept help from others. I think it's time you take your own advice."

When Alex's eyes sting this time, she doesn't fight the feeling. The first tear passing is almost a relief, and again she's grateful for the darkness.

It dawns on her that Hank really does know her well.

* * *

 

Kara can feel the looks she gets as she walks through the DEO, and she finds herself straightening her shoulders. It's been a long time since she's worn anything but the standard DEO black here, and it feels oddly good to wear the full guise of Supergirl around the facility.

She's ventured out on her own a number of times, though she's been tempted to call J'onn and ask him to accompany her out on a flight.

 _This_ though? She catches another agent trying to hide a smile, and she grins when Vasquez doesn't bother.

"New costume?" Vasquez asks. Her eyes are twinkling and Kara's chest fills with pride.

"Yeah, I told Winn that skirts just really aren't practical for flying and going around kicking bad guy butt, so…" Kara shrugs and her face is hurting from her smile, but she can't stop.

They're still smiling at each other when Alex walks into the command room.

Kara knows the moment Alex has seen her in costume; her step falters though her stride remains steady, and the tablet in her hand is held in a white-knuckled grip.

"Supergirl," Alex says with a respectful nod in Kara's direction before turning to address Vasquez.

"There's some discrepancies in this report I'd like you to look into. I've highlighted the sections in question, and I'd like to you verify these dates and locations as soon as you can."

Vasquez nods and accepts the tablet. Kara frowns at the way their hands brush - the contact is familiar and unnecessary in the strictly professional environment. There's a sinking feeling in the pit of Kara's stomach.

She's been giving Alex time, but it's never occurred to her that in that time Alex might find her way to someone else. She fights to try and recapture the joy that had bolstered her every step in the DEO today.

Alex turns to her again, and for a moment Kara sees the mask slip. Something that looks like pride is on Alex's face.

"That looks good on you."

Kara's lips part in surprise, but before she can say anything, Alex has turned and walked away. There's a wistful feeling in Kara as she relives the moment over and over again in her head. She turns and catches sight of Vasquez smirking down at the tablet, and the pleasant feeling fades.

She wants to ask Vasquez many things, but decides that a cautious approach is better.

"You and Alex are friends, right?"

There must be something in her voice despite her casual attempt, because Vasquez's eyes jerk straight up to look right at her. One of Vasquez's eyebrows creeps up before the technical analyst just rolls her eyes.

"You're both unbelievable."

Before Kara can ask Vasquez what she means, there's a loud beeping as the monitors in the control center start flashing and streaming a flurry of text.

Vasquez shifts to professional mode as she takes a seat at her terminal, tablet discarded as she types furiously.

Hank strides in a moment later, face furrowed with concern as he looks up the large main screen.

"What have we got?" he asks without breaking his stride.

Vasquez only takes a small break to send him a look. "Based on initial data, we've got a potential extranormal situation, sir."

Questions and answers are shot back and forth rapidly as he questions Vasquez, and after a moment he turns to Kara. He silently examines Kara clad in her uniform.

"Supergirl, are you ready?"

There's nervous fluttering in Kara's stomach, but she swallows and tightens her hands into fists.

"Tell me what you need, Director Henshaw."

* * *

Alex sighs and pushes away from her desk and private terminal, pulling up the report that had raised red flags the moment she'd read it. The facts aren't adding up. She'll have Vasquez take a look at it.

She pauses before standing as she considers her coworker and friend. Over the last several weeks she's grown more appreciative of their unique friendship. Hank's the only one she really trusts with some of her deepest, darkest thoughts, but Vasquez has helped in her own way.

Despite Alex's progress with Hank, a couple of times she's found her way back into Tony's. The first time she'd thought it curious that Vasquez had shown up scarcely two sips into her whisky, but when it happened again the next time she suddenly understood that Vasquez's appearances were no coincidence.

Talking has never been their thing, but having her friend around has helped her remember that alcohol is only so reliable. The third time she'd picked Tony's again intentionally, and when Vasquez had shown up Alex had been patiently sipping at a ginger ale.

They'd shared a basket of fried pickles and debated Sigourney Weaver in "Aliens" versus Linda Hamilton in "Teriminator 2" over mozzarella sticks.

At the end of the night, Vazquez had not so subtly pointed out that Supergirl had an undeniable appeal. Alex had left a bruise on her arm.

She manages to stop smirking by the time she reaches the control room, but she's startled to find someone with Vasquez.

All the air is gone from Alex's lungs as she drinks in the sight of Kara - Supergirl, she corrects herself - in the long-missed red, blue and yellow. She feels a mix of things; pride in how far Kara has come, fear for what this means for Kara's safety, concerns over whether Kara is _really_ ready, and more pride at how confident Kara seems.

It's been a while since Alex has seen Kara like this. Her chest aches when she breathes again.

"Supergirl," she acknowledges Kara. As difficult as things have been between them, she could never shut Kara totally out.

She says something to Vasquez about the report, but she's not sure what. Vasquez is giving her a patient look, so she extends the tablet she almost forgot she's holding.

Vasquez brushes a comforting hand over hers, and it helps ground Alex. Once again she's appreciative of the support.

She's strong enough to look at Kara now, to let Kara know that as jumbled up as she is, Kara is still important to her.

"That looks good on you," she says. She means it, though she worries that maybe she's been staring at Kara in the new costume variant a little too long. She turns and retreats back to her office.

She's scarcely settled in behind her terminal when the alarms start going off. She has direct access to everything from where she is, so she combs through the incoming data with a frown. This looks undeniably like a job for the DEO.

By the time she reaches the control room, the place is buzzing with chatter. Hank is frowning up at the monitor and Kara is nowhere in sight. There's a sinking feeling in Alex's stomach.

She stalks quickly over to Hank. "Where's Supergirl?"

His lips purse and she knows the answer before he can speak. "She's handling the initial contact. Three teams have been dispatched with her to provide support."

Alex has turned away before he's finished speaking. She makes a beeline for the locker room, and she can hear Hank's heavy steps behind her.

"Alex, you're not cleared for field duty," he reminds her brusquely as she pulls out her tactical vest.

She spins around to face him angrily, and her teeth are bared. "Try and stop me."

Hank glowers at her as she finishes pulling her gear on. The both know he could easily stop her, but he doesn't.

"I'm coming with you," he manages to say once his temper has settled.

Alex suddenly understands that she isn't the only one being motivated by fear and concern, and she's given Hank the perfect excuse to go out into the field. She doesn't say anything else as they make their way to find transport.

She'll do what she needs to do, just like she always has. Hank doesn't argue when she takes the driver's seat, though she swears she sees him smiling out of the corner of her eye.

When she glances directly at him, his face looks calm. He crosses his arms and stares out of the windshield. "Let's get a move on, Agent Danvers."

Alex is smirking when they tear out of the underground facility.

* * *

Kara winces when the wound on her collarbone is pressed just a little _too_ hard, and she wonders if there's any point to being called invulnerable when any alien with a specialized weapon can still manage to get a good swing in.

"Sorry," the medic says. He looks uncomfortable at the concept that not only is she injured, but _he_ has to tend to her wound.

It probably doesn't help that a scowling Alex is hovering over his shoulder.

Overall, Kara is proud of how she performed against the reptilian alien, but her feelings have become muddled since her return to the DEO.

Alex usually cares for any injuries she sustains, and having someone else tend to her has left her unsettled. She'd perked up when Alex had stepped into the room, though Alex has remained mostly by the door since her entrance.

"That's not-" Alex makes a tsking noise with her tongue a moment before she finally waves the perspiring medic aside. She doesn't look up directly at Kara as the relieved agent scurries out of the room.

Kara thinks that maybe this is a good thing - though her huge grin might get this tentative olive branch retracted as quickly as it's been extended.

She holds her breath when Alex tends _oh so carefully_ to the gash on what Kara admits is maybe a little too close to her throat than she'd like to admit.

"You did good out there today," Alex says after a moment.

It's not much, but at the same time it's _everything_. Kara has worried silently that she'll never be the hero she used to be - or the hero she's always wanted to be. Alex soothes her in ways she's never even known she's needed, and she allows herself to bask in this gentle remnant of their connection.

Her eyes are closed when Alex finishes checking her wound over. She feels movement around her as her sun lamps are put into place. It's quiet then, and then Kara is afraid to open her eyes and find Alex gone.

For just a few moments things have felt, though not quite how they used to be, _good_. For the first time in months she's been allowed to have the thought that if she reaches out, Alex will be right there with a hand or a hug.

There's a sad smile on her lips as she opens her eyes.

She's alone.

She squeezes her eyes shut and pretends it's because of the brightness of the lamps.

* * *

Alex's palms are sweaty as she waits outside the door, thinking of how easy things had been scarcely an hour ago.

Action had pulled her those last steps from under her cloud of _whatever_ she's been struggling with and doesn't want to name. Not right now, anyway, when she's staring at the familiar apartment number and trying to remind herself that this is a good idea.

It's been long enough, and they're due for a talk.

She'd wanted to hug Kara no less than ten times today, and she's damn tired of trying to smother that part of herself. She knows that Kara's been waiting.

It's difficult to think of the last time she'd come here nearly a month ago - and turned around the moment she'd run into James. She'd known that Kara would remain with him, but the confirmation still hurt.

She knocks and tries to ignore the memory, and the twisting of her stomach that accompanies it, as she waits. As the door opens she forces a placid look onto her face.

"Alex?" Kara sounds so surprised that Alex feels guilty, but she smiles.

"Hey," she says. It comes out flat despite her attempt to seem if not happy, then normal.

Her fear must be painted on her face, because Kara hurriedly backs up and holds the door open.

Alex takes a deep breath before stepping in, her hands settling into the back pockets of her jeans as she looks around Kara's home.

"Is James here?" she asks though she's afraid of the answer.

Kara's just finished closing and locking the door when she whirls around to face Alex. She looks confused.

"No? Why would he be-" Kara abruptly stops speaking and she narrows her eyes. She looks upset, though she blows out a breath.

"Alex," Kara's voice is slow and patient, "I told you months ago that we were getting a divorce."

Alex is totally off-kilter now, nearly dizzy with the information. She hadn't believed Kara then, but when she looks around now she can see all those little signs of James's presence are gone.

There are no extra coats hung by the door, or extra keys tossed on the side table. James's favorite chair is nowhere to be found, and the furniture in the living room has been shifted so that a visitor wouldn't be able to tell that anything is missing.

The memory of a month ago surfaces, James exiting the apartment building with a cardboard box. Her shoulders slump. "I'm sorry," she says after several attempts at getting the words out.

She can't look at Kara right now.

"For what?" The question is tentative.

"I said I've always believed in you and-" Alex is frustrated when her voice breaks.

The air moves around her as Kara moves closer, but Kara's warmth remains just out of reach. She doesn't try to touch Alex, and it's _that_ that finally makes Alex look up.

"It's okay, Alex." Kara's eyes are filled with tears, but she's smiling.

Alex can only stare at Kara in a way she hasn't allowed herself to do since they'd returned from captivity. "Are you sure?"

Kara's nodding, and her smile remains. "Yes," she says thickly.

This time when the urge comes to hug Kara, Alex doesn't suppress it. Kara is quick to return the embrace, and Alex sighs when long arms settle low around her back. She absorbs Kara's scent and smiles when she feels Kara's nose tickle against the side of her neck. Kara has always favored that spot, and it feels like something that's been out of balance for a long time has shifted back into place.

Alex needs this, needs Kara. She's learned to live without Kara, but she doesn't like it.

"Please," she says without thinking. She's not sure what she's asking for, but she _needs_ it too.

"I love you," Kara replies in a gentle whisper against her ear.

Alex shivers, because she finally understands exactly what Kara means when she says that. More than that, she _believes_ it.

"Thank you." Alex swallows because it's not what she meant to say, but when she pulls back and looks at Kara, all she sees is joy.

The look makes her lean forward and close her eyes, and then the joy is spreading through her as their lips press delicately together.

Her body is tingling, and when they part she can't help but smile when Kara leans their foreheads together.

"This is real." Her words are little more than a whisper, but there is no doubt in them.

"Yes."

She takes Kara's hand in hers. "Wanna watch a movie?"

There's a small smile on Kara's face that makes Alex wonder what secrets they're waiting to reveal. Her blue eyes seem to twinkle. "Sure."

Everything isn't better, but it's a start.

When Kara curls up against her on the couch and puts on the same movie they've both seen a hundred times, Alex only laughs. This is more than she'd ever hoped for - and everything she needs.


End file.
